A Personal Experience of Top Regrets at Deathbed

By Bronnie Ware (who worked many years in palliative care)

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

This made me thankful that I am in the financial advisory business and thankful for my loved ones who make everyday fun. How about you?

Original post here.

More willing to think about death

Death may still be a relatively taboo topic in Singapore, but statistics from the Health Ministry (MOH) show that more people are warming up to the idea of signing a “living will”, instructing doctors not to prolong their life with extraordinary life-sustaining treatment if they become terminally-ill and unconscious.

Said Dr Lalit Krishna, a senior consultant in palliative medicine at National Cancer Centre Singapore: “We live in a society which still considers the discussion of death as taboo … Families too remain resistant to such conversations in a society that places a great deal of value upon the idea of hope.”

Read more here – TODAYonline | Singapore | More willing to think about death.

Living With The End In Mind

As a nation, Singapore is at times seemingly relentless in striving to improve its quality of life. Now, it must do more to enhance its quality of death. As the country advances further to First World status, in some areas, serious deficiencies have opened up, fresh fissures stretched further by driving forces such as a rapidly silver-haired population, fewer babies, and smaller nuclear families downsizing to the limit: individuals living out the rest of their days alone. How to raise the quality of end-of-life care—so as to raise the quality of life itself—is more urgent a question than ever.

This study, commissioned by the Lien Foundation in Singapore, places the spotlight squarely on a subject whose importance can only expand. The project’s ultimate end in mind is to achieve greater widespread public and professional awareness, and to garner support for all relevant ways to enhance the environment for quality palliative and end-of life care, from the home to hospice and hospital systems, and everything else in between, that can help facilitate a good death, for a better life.

Read more in Lien Foundation’s Living With The End In Mind. On the same note, doctors face and ethical dilemma when caring for the dying.

The study said: “One of the most difficult ethical issues doctors face is the issue of withholding their diagnosis from patients at the family’s request. While the legal position makes it clear that doctors have an obligation to give full and frank disclosure to their patients, they often find that they need to work hard on family members to be allowed to talk to patients truthfully.”

Read more at TODAYOnline – Dying patients have less say in care and treatment than their families do.